PPC: An Agent's Work Is Never Done
by KsandraMallan
Summary: A spinoff of the great PPC. MarySue hunting, knitting, panpipes, minis, and chaos. Join Protectors Cassie and Alla as they do what they do best: hunt down and destroy violators of the canon. Rated higher for swearing.
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: Tolkien-verse doesn't belong to me. Cassie and Alla do belong to me (technically, Alla belongs to my friend and partner) so please don't copy them. The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia. **

**This is my personal spinoff of the PPC, started by the great Jay and Acacia. Thanks go to them to starting up such a wonderful and stress-relieving agency. Most of the Sues here are of my own invention—the link and title will be provided if the story actually exists. Feel free to inform me of any Sues you find… they may or may not be hunted down, but if they are, credit will be given to the alerter. **

**Either way… enjoy!**

**Prologue**

_You've both completed the initiation rites? _The suited sunflower asked.

The two women nodded.

_Successfully?_

"What do you think we are, _amateurs_?" the taller woman shot back scathingly.

_Taken the oath? _

"_Yes._ Now, are you going to hire us or not?" The taller woman fixed the sunflower with a _look _that forecast hell and damnation if an answer was not forthcoming.

The sunflower practically shriveled under the look. _Yes. Here's your key. Your gear's in the office. If you need anything else, go to Supplies or hunt down Makes-Things. _A tendril tossed them a key, which the smaller woman caught. _And do be gentle with Makes-Things. He's already terrified of too many of our agents. _

With nods, the women left—the sunflower virtually wilted in relief. _Phew._

The smaller woman unlocked the office door and strode in, instantly claiming the desk nearest the window with a yelp of, "My desk!"

Rolling her eyes, her friend claimed the other desk by sedately placing her bag down on the tabletop. When the bag let out a hiss, the other woman looked up and narrowed an eye. "Alla… you've got Murphy in there, don't you?"

"Of course, he'd get lonely without me." Alla retorted, calmly extricating an albino king snake from her backpack and stroking its head fondly. "At least he's portable, you'dve brought a wolf or something—and besides, he's a sweetie."

"A sweetie who can produce a poison so deadly that an ounce could wipe out the entire pre-Helm's-Deep Uruk-hai population of Isengard," her partner shot back. "Thanks, but I'll stick to wargs. They're friendlier."

"_Friendly?_ Cass, those are the bests that disembowel _horses_ with their _teeth_, remember?"

There was a soft Beep from the wall speaker, but the two were so involved in the 'discussion' that they heard nothing.

"Well, quicker than internally hemorrhaging to death—"

Beep? The speaker tried again. Beep!

"I'd rather not end up as warg chow, thanks—"

The speaker finally lost patience.

BEEEEEEEP!!!

When the echoes faded away, the duo traded resigned glances. "Let's go."

**I apologize for the short chapter… more will come, I promise, but probably after the summer. I have exams next week, so yeah… see you guys then!**

**P.S: Any reports of Mary-Sues will be much appreciated. **


	2. 1: Hair Like Horse Piss

**Disclaimer: I don't own the PPC or Tolkien. I do own Cassie, my friend owns Alla, and the Sue here is one I came up with. If this Sue was running around out there, I think I'd kill myself. (After killing her, of course.)**

**These chapters do not take place one after the other in sequence. They may or may not take place right behind each other, but treat them as if they don't. In other words, each chapter is like a oneshot only with the same agents/mission goal. Anyway, enjoy!**

**(3/28 note: I fixed the Noldor-Sindar reference, and thanks go to sai-bunny69 for pointing it out and helping me fix it!) **

**Chapter 1: Hair Like Horse Piss**

"Oi, you ready yet?" Alla called, thumb already hovering over the portaller's BRB (Big Red Button).

"Wait a sec—ow!" In quick succession, there was a _thunk!_, a yelp, and a curse, before Cassie emerged from under her desk, holding up a set of panpipes. "Got it." Stuffing the pipes into her backpack, she joined her partner. Alla keyed the BRB, which made the portaller beep and generate a silvery portal.

"Why do all our gadgets have to go beep?" Cassie wondered aloud.

"When we get back, you can get Makes-Things to play with them." Alla replied, then dragged her through the portal.

The duo appeared in a very familiar forest. "By my estimate, we've got twenty minutes. Image-inducers, then let's wander. I _like_ Rivendell."

"Let's save the inducers, shall we? You know how much I hate them…" Alla used her brown eyes to full effect in a spectacular puppy eyes look, and her partner caved almost immediately. _Granite_ would have melted under that look.

"Okay, but we have to use them when we kill the Sue. You know how Upstairs is about invisible assassins." Cassie fished out a small digital camera and flashed her partner a decidedly feral-chipmunk grin. "Let's go. I want pictures."

"Every time we come here, you take pictures!" Alla exclaimed. "You've got so many Rivendell pictures even _I_ don't know what to do with them—"

Cassie had already wandered off, dreamily snapping pictures. "Preeettyy…."

Sighing, Alla followed her camera-happy partner.

The council began gathering, blissfully unaware of the two PPC agents hidden in a tree overlooking the dais.

"Sooo, when do we see the Sue?" Cassie asked, stretched full-length on a branch.

"Lessee…"Alla cocked her head to check the Words, then pointed down. "Look down there in about… ten beats… and you'll see her."

Cassie rolled onto her belly, tugging out the panpipes and checking the Words. "Ugh, standard-issue Legomance. That poor elf, he gets lusted after so much…"

When she lifted the pipes to her lips, Alla shot her an admonishing glance, which was met by an innocent smile. "The rules didn't say anything about driving her mad…"

"No." Alla gently pushed down the pipes. "Save it. Draw up the charge list first."

The other woman winced at the silver-bell voice coming from beneath them. "Number one: unbearably beautiful voice." Jotting it down on a notepad, she scooted further out on the branch to watch.

Alla swung to her friend's branch, sitting beside her and tilting her head. "Add 'misspelling canon characters' names' to that. She's managed to spell Boromir's name as 'Bormer'."

"_Ouch_." Cassie shook her head slowly. "Poor sod. At least she spelled Legolas' name right—the _only_ one she's spelled right, by the looks of things."

Beneath them, the Sue had begun to speak, in a voice designed to scramble the brains of any male within earshot. The two PPC agents were less affected, though. "My name is Ivrieniel Starfire, and I am the daughter of Lord—"

"_Elrind?_" Alla looked ready to kill the Sue right then and there, while her partner scribbled frantically.

The Sue was currently locked in a slinging match with 'Bormer' and 'Grimle'—Legolas jumped in, and obviously put the duo to flight. Cassie's pen flew over the notepad—she looked up, about to comment, then caught sight of the Sue (and Legolas) and let out a strangled croak. "good God, woman… put on a shirt…"

Alla grabbed the pen and notepad, continuing the charge list while her partner tried to erase the traumatizing images. "No magical jewelry, thank the gods… wait, _what_? Legolas is NOT two hundred! Another one for the list…"

Cassie's head shot upright—if she had been a wolf, her ruff would have been bristling. "Oh shit, I sense a—"

There was an odd shimmer, and she finished her sentence looking distinctly nauseated. "—time jump. Put it down."

The Council was dissolving into chaos—Ivrieniel was arguing with 'Bormer'—but Frodo's clear voice saying "I will take the Ring to Mordor," cut through the tumult. "Though—I do not know the way."

Ivrieniel stepped forward. "I have survived the horrors of Mordor, Frodo. If by my life I can help you, I will. You have my sword."

"And my sword." Aragorn added.

"And my bow." Legolas stated, winning a smile from Ivrieniel.

Up in the tree, Alla was restraining a pissed-off Cassie from tackling Ivrieniel and ripping her face off. "That line was Aragorn's, you thief!"

"Put it down n the charge list, sugar." Alla murmured. "We can nail her later."

The Council went on as per movieverse, although with a "Ten Companions line" from 'Elrind' which made the duo cringe. As things began winding up, Cassie offered her partner an image inducer and a stick of gum. Alla accepted both, but frowned when she realized Cassie was furiously chewing on something brown. "Are you _that_ desperate for headache relief?"

"Nah. 'S jerky, not willow bark." She swallowed her bite, then held up the inducer. "What shall we be this time?"

"Let's wait for the next time jump before deciding."

Down in the now mostly-deserted Council circle, Legolas was gazing adoringly at Ivrieniel, whose waist-length blond hair cascading down her back looked like a waterfall, golden of course.

"Hey, a three-in-one—Lovestruck Fool, Grammar Abuse, and Non-Canon Physiology."

"Yeah… even with Noldor and Sindar genes, you shouldn't get _golden_ hair… maybe if you crossed Glorfindel with Lady Celebrian…" Cassie shuddered. "Ooh, the trauma."

"Don't scar yourself. Let's find a way to off her quickly." Alla murmured, then checked the Words once more. "Hang on now—"

this time, the jolt was quite clear. The Assassins landed in a heap on some random patch of forest floor—the Fellowship was setting out… "And it's bloody _dawn_!" Alla flung up her hands and swore. "Why?!"

"So she can have assorted cute little creatures serenade her." Cassie absently replied, then spotted the Sue, which wasn't hard to do. "Oh look, there she is. And in a—_pinkValarsaveus—_silk dress."

"You forgot the golden hair."

"Ah yes, how could I have forgotten? Gold hair like a stream of horse piss."

Alla snorted, then glanced down at the charge list. "Just need a few more to tip the scales… come on…"

"Let's portal—oh no. No…" The smaller woman looked ill. "Bad song alert…"

Alla made gagging noises. "Paris Hilton… now _that's_ a crime against music in general."

When the song ended (mercifully), Legolas gazed soulfully at Ivrieniel. "U sounded so hott…"

"DEAR VALAR THE SLANG IT BURNS!"

"Okay, that is more than enough." Cassie growled. "Any more and _I'll_ start talking in chatspeak. Let's off her or this'll spread."

"Yep, the Chatspeak Plague. I can just see it now…" Alla snickered, then sobered at her friend's glare. "Sorry. Disguises."

"Uruks? _Pleeease_?"

"Just so we can use bows?" The brown-haired woman grinned. "Aye."

In a blink, two Uruks stood in place of the assassins. The thinner smiled ferally—an impressive and scary expression on an Uruk-hai face. "I like this form."

"Yes dear, we know." Alla smiled indulgently—a decidedly odd expression on an Uruk—and beckoned with a big Uruk-hai hand. "Lessgo."

Ivrieniel was walking along in her pink dress when there was a rustling, and two Uruk-hai stepped into her path. The shorter one cleared its throat. "We seek one Ivrieniel Starfire."

"That's me," she replied. "What does thee want withest me?"

The Uruk-hai pulled out a notepad and began to read. "Ivrieniel Starfire, you are hereby charged with causing character rupture and Lovestruck Fool behavior, creating gratuitous offspring, slandering races, stealing lines, screwing up the Fellowship, Tenth-Walker charge, changing canon physiology and clothing, causing mass time compression, causing the Fellowship to leave at dawn, causing canon characters to use modern slang, singing modern—and _terrible_—songs, mangling canon names, incorrect use of archaic speech, having an unbearably beautiful voice, and most importantly, being a Mary-Sue. As such, the penalty is death. Any last words?"

Struck dumb by the rapid-fire delivery, Ivrieniel gaped and got out a very intelligent "Huh?"

The Uruk sighed. "Guess not. Alla?"

With one smooth movement, the other Uruk lifted its bow, nocked an arrow, aimed and fired. The arrow plunged through Ivrieniel's neck, killing her instantly. The first Uruk touched a device—towing the corpse, the second Uruk stepped through a hole in the air. The first one followed, the hole closed, and they were gone.

"So what do we do with her?" Alla asked, shedding the disguise as soon as the portal shut. "Wargs?"

"Nah, they'd perish of diabetes. Too much sweetness. How about the Watcher?" Cassie kicked the body casually.

"We did that last week. Upstairs doesn't like us repeating monsters too much—guess they get fat." Alla thought, then brightened. "Let's take her to Mordor. The orcs'll appreciate a meal."

Cassie looked happier, and tapped the BRB. A portal opened, and the two assassins grinned maniacally at the shocked orcs beyond it. "Hey guys." Alla hefted the Sue's body. "How 'bout some meat?"

As some orcs enjoyed an unexpected meal, Cassie clipped a blond scalp to a drying rack, then smiled happily. "There, now we only have to wait—"

BEEP!

**To be continued…**

**Author's note: Writing ungrammatically is PAINFUL! **


	3. 2: A 'Misterious' Personality

**hand waves from under massive pile of assignments**

**I apologize for the long wait between updates, senior year has caught up with me and is now proceeding to swamp me with work. Thank you everyone for all the support I've received!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, that belongs to Tolkien; the white paralt and the Kartoolian paralt belong to the wonderful Steven Erikson. I do own Cassie, and my friend owns Alla. Unfortunately, the Sue in this chapter also belongs to me. beats head on wall Where she came from, I really don't know, but if you want her, you're welcome to her. **

**Rating: PG-13 for swearing and mild violence**

"What's the assignment?" Alla asked.

Cassie picked up the printout and read a few lines, then folded it into a paper airplane and threw it to her partner. "One of the usual code 10s. Let's go to Rivendell…even though we'll have to sit through a bastardized Council…" She got up, then began checking her satchel. "Cards, pipes, headphones…"

Alla scooped up her own satchel, flipping through the inducer's settings. "What do you want to be this time?"

"Whatever you want. You pick, I've gotta check my weaponry. It's a warrior Sue."

"She."

"No, _it_. She's got a high enough testosterone count for me to justify calling 'it' an _It._"

"So that makes her… XXXY then?"

Cassie straightened from digging in her cupboard and gave her friend an odd look. "You never took biology, did you?"

"Physics."

"Oh, right. Either way, wrong genotype, or she'd be _male_, with lots of interesting defects." The Protector grinned. "Aneuploidy in humans can produce some very interesting results. Including spontaneous abortion."

"Riight. Too much genetics for you." Alla shot back, checking her poison complement. It was, as always, full and very complete. She slipped it into her bag and glanced at the printout. "Damn, _another_ Legomance…oh Eru, she's got Boromir on the side too. _Why?_"

"Possible threesome?" Cassie guessed, and saw her partner turn green. "Kidding. Hopefully, anyway."

"Hopefully." Alla keyed their disguises, looked at Cassie, and frowned. "What on Ear—" she reconsidered, and then said, "What in the name of Grima's greasy arse are you wearing?"

Cassie blinked at the creative epithet, then replied, "Leather armor. Boiled, oiled leather. It'll block most blades till I can kill their wielders." Cassie picked up her bag, set the portaller, and opened a portal. "Come on."

Thankfully, nobody at the Council noticed the two orcs hiding themselves in the bushes.

"You compiling, or me?" Alla asked.

Cassie stretched out in a patch of sunshine, looking like a very content… orc. "Mrrr."

"Guess that means I'm doing it." Alla pulled out a battered notepad and a pen, then settled in for a long wait.

When the Sue appeared, both Protectors rolled their eyes simultaneously. "Clichéd." Cassie whispered, voice close to a purr.

_None of the men could take their eyes off her. She was Willow Foxblade, the crown princess of Lothlorien, with ankle-length auburn hair, violet eyes, a spitfire temper, and a misterious personality. _

"Yep, _mist_erious all right. Transparent, shallow, and insubstantial."

Gimli broke the silence with a gruff cough. "Who's the wench?" he demanded.

In the bushes, Alla applauded silently.

Willow jumped to her feet, trying to look incensed but only succeeding in petulant—but Legolas leaped to his feet, glaring at the Dwarf, then went into the standard stupid-Naugrim-don't-you-know-who-she-is rant.

Cassie plugged in a set of headphones, shutting her eyes and determinedly losing herself in her music.

The Council went on—albeit with a glancing reference to 'Elrond's daughter' that made the Protectors wince—until Gimli shattered his axe on the Ring.

Willow stood up and waved a hand over the pieces, restoring them to wholeness. Alla muttered something under her breath, jotting it down on the notepad.

From beside her, Cassie opened an eye. "Did you get the non-canon race charge?"

"Why, what is she?"

"Uh, let's see," Cassie narrowed a yellow orc eye. "Half elf and half… are there _male_ dryads?"

"Not within my knowledge, and definitely _not_ of mallorn trees."

"And she thinks Lady Galadriel would cheat on Lord Celeborn…" Cassie shook her head, suppressed anger gleaming in her eyes. Protectors tended to behave oddly when characters high in their favor were messed around with, and Galadriel happened to rank highly on Cassie's list. As a survivor from the First Age, her bloodline was generally considered inviolable by most Protectors, and woe to the authors who dared to change it. "Bint. She'll get what she deserves."

"Soon, Cass. Wait for the charges to tip the scale, and then we move. Try to think of some creative way to off her." Alla checked the Words and kept scribbling. "Damn that 'unbearably beautiful' voice."

The Council went on with as the movies dictated, although with a Tenth Walker—Aragorn still looked unimpressed with Willow, much to Cassie's delight, but when he tried to voice his opinion, Boromir jumped in, growling, "How would _you_ know? You're just jealous that you don't even have a chance with her!"

Aragorn jerked back as if stung and Cassie let out a near-inaudible snarl. "Put that one down." Her fists bunched for a beat, then relaxed. "He wouldn't want you anyway, ya airheaded, incompetent, pathetic excuse for a fighter."

The Sue frowned. "Did you hear that?"

"No, what?" Boromir glanced around uneasily, while Aragorn rolled his eyes.

"And now she hears things nobody else does. _Wonderful_ choice of a traveling companion." the Ranger murmured softly.

Hiding in the bushes, Cassie and Alla high-fived, then checked the Words. "How long more to do we have to stand this?"

Cassie raised her panpipes and played a few notes, then snagged a passing plothole. "Come on, let's plothole ahead to Hollin. She's making them arrive there in a day and then meet her cute animal friend, anyhow, so we can off her—ohshittimejump—"

The Protectors were sprawled on the forest floor again. "Aw, shit…headache…" Alla muttered.

"I still have the plothole. Wanna go?" Despite the rough landing, Cassie had managed to keep her grip on the plothole, but nearly lost it when the Author's Note thundered through their heads.

_i kno im bein a b 2 Aragoarn but who cares? i mean, like seriously, hes dirty and disgusting…legolas and Boromir r like sooo much hottr…teehee buhbye!! Plz R&R!!_

Alla loosened her grip on her head and glanced at her partner. Cassie was covering both ears with one arm, while her other hand held onto the plothole with a white-knuckled deathgrip. Her eyes were icy. "That little—" she added a string of uncomplimentary Chinese words, then finished the sentence. "—she's gone too far."

The taller Protector cast a nervous glance at Cassie. All Protectors were dangerous when their favorites were insulted, slandered, or otherwise messed with—and Cassie was no exception. Calling Aragorn 'scruffy' was not an issue, since she used that term for the Ranger with great affection, but 'dirty and disgusting' would definitely incur her wrath.

"Come on, the plothole's trying to escape." Prying Cassie's fingers loose, Alla hastily hauled her through the plothole before her partner committed homicide too early.

"How long do we have to wait?" Alla asked, calmly pulling out some knitting and settling in at an oak's base.

"A few minutes." Cassie raised her pipes and began playing some unidentifiable tune. "They'll be here shortly."

In that time, the Protectors made adjustments to their personal arsenals, and in Cassie's case, evaluated creative forms of justifiable Sue murder for painfulness.

The silence was abruptly broken by a voice that sounded like 'liqud honey'.

"Sticky and gooey?" Alla wondered aloud.

Cassie played a mocking little trill as an evil grin spread over her face.

"You've thought up a way to kill her? Or rather, it?"

Two notes in an 'uh-huh' pitch.

"Painfully?"

Again, the two notes, only with a half-pained, half-amused look that clearly said, "What were you expecting?"

"Good, let's go then."

Rising, the two Protectors made their way toward the Fellowship (plus one).

Willow let out a little shriek as two heavily armed orcs appeared from the bushes. Of course, Legolas and Boromir leapt forward to defend her, bow and sword raised respectively.

One orc sighed. "Now we have to deal with them, too? Anyway… our business is with the girl." 

Shaking, Willow stepped forward. "What do you want?"

"Willow Foxblade, you are hereby charged with causing character rupture, causing logistically improbable and canonically impossible romantic liaisons—a bad idea when it comes to Galadriel—causing lovestruck-fool behavior twice over, creating nonexistent offspring, slandering Dwarves, slandering Aragorn—a _really _bad idea because of my partner—Tenth-Walker charge, disrupting the Fellowship, creating non-canon races—dryads are all female and mallorns don't have them—and messing them up in the process, time compression, causing three-millennia-year-old elves and mature men to act like spoilt human teenagers, using magical Mary Sue powers, giving inappropriate names to OCs, having an unbearably beautiful voice—"

"Don't forget 'annoying PPC agents'," the other orc growled. "Namely me."

"Yes, that, and being a Mary Sue. Therefore, you must die. Any questions?" Alla grinned ferally at the gaping Mary-Sue, who currently bore no small resemblance to a fish out of water.

The Sue finally found her voice and screamed, "Sky, defend me!"

A hawk shrieked—the squawk was abruptly cut off as the second orc seized a dagger from Willow and threw it. Feathers fluttered down around them. "Didn't want to do that." the orc muttered, then turned to Willow with a nasty grin. "Come, you. Judgment calls."

Boromir and Legolas both lunged at the orcs, but they moved too quickly. The first orc kneed Boromir in a part of the body where no male should ever be kneed, making him fold up with a whimper, while the second one slammed a dagger hilt into a certain spot behind Legolas' pointed ear. As the elf collapsed, it added, "Sorry."

Stepping over the unconscious elf, the orc grabbed Willow none too gently by the hair. "Let's go."

Dragging Willow, the orc stepped through a shimmering hole in the air, with the other orc close behind.

"Whew, that's better." Cassie shed the orc shape and stretched, all without letting go of Willow. "When we get back, remind me to brush my teeth." Reaching into her bag, she pulled out a vial—calmly stepping on Willow's hair, she eased open the vial and dipped a knifetip into its contents.

Alla frowned at the vial her friend was now resealing. "Where did you get _that_, and can I have some?"

"Last week, I met up with two friends who work in Erikson-verse. They brought me white paralt, Kartoolian paralt, and the beasts to produce both. The animals are back in the office, the poisons are with me, and I'll get you some when we get back." Cassie jerked her head at the portaller. "Take us to Zirak-zigil."

Her partner did as requested—Cassie unceremoniously yanked Willow through.

It was cold atop Zirak-zigil, but the Chinese Protector was whistling as she tied Willow up with chunks of the Sue's hair, then calmly gagged her. "Now, your punishment."

Kneeling atop a thrashing Willow, Cassie used the treated knife to cut a heart in Willow's arm, then carved 'Aragorn & Arwen' in its center. The knifetip came away bloody.

"See, there are two different types of paralt poison," she told Alla conversationally, turning her back on Willow. "White paralt comes from the snake—it kills in a couple seconds." Over an odd noise from Willow, she continued. "Kartoolian paralt, on the other hand, comes from the spider, and takes _much _longer to kill. The legend says that the spiders breathe their victim's living, pumping blood. Even if the legend's not true, it's still a _nasty _hemotoxin, and near-indistinguishable from white paralt. _I_ sure can't tell the difference."

Cautiously, Alla glanced at the Sue. "Uh, Cass, she's dead."

"Ah, then that must've been the white paralt." Cassie carved a glyph into the stopper with a boot knife, cleaned the poisoned one on Willow's corpse, then sheathed both knives. "Pity."

"Show me the animals." Alla commanded once the two were back in the office.

From a dark, cool cupboard, Cassie produced two glass tanks, once containing a snake and the other containing a spider. She whistled softly—the snake lifted its head in answer. Putting her arm in, she pulled the snake out and milked its poison gently, then replaced the snake and repeated the process with the spider.

"Once a day. Milk, then feed." The Protector tossed a fist-sized chunk of unidentifiable meat into the snake tank and a huge locust into the spider tank. Both animals pounced and began tofeed as Cassie watched with a proud-parent expression.

"Your maternal look in relation to those beasts is… disturbing."

"Quit it, they're cute. Aren't you?" Cassie cooed, tapping the spider's tank. Pausing in its feeding, the spider reared onto its back four legs and _chirped._ Chirped _cutely_, at that.

Alla stared at the spider in utter shock. Just as she was about to say something—

BEEP!

Cassie smoothed her newly-acquired auburn scalp, grinning as her partner glared daggers at the speaker.

**And another Sue bites the dust. makes mark on tally board and paints a kill silhouette on computer Hopefully, this kill wasn't as rushed as the first one. Please review and let me know what you thought!**


	4. 3: Of Knitting Yarn and Snow Leopards

**Well, third chapter already. Hopefully, things aren't getting boring—and suggestions for creative methods of Sue killing would be much appreciated. A big thank you to all those who have supported this fic, your reviews are much loved. This chapter may be a little rushed, and I apologize for any slips in quality at the same time.**

**Disclaimer: I only own Cassie, my partner owns Alla. All right, I admit it, I own the Sues in this chapter. groans LOTR and the PPC don't belong to me. **

Cassie was curled up in a corner, uncharacteristically silent.

Alla looked over in not-undue concern—utter silence on Cassie's part usually signified illness, depression, or single-minded cold fury, none of which was a good thing. "What's wrong?"

"Low energy. I need sugar, caffeine, or both."

Sighing, Alla dug out a Hershey's bar and tossed it to her partner. "I heard there's a café somewhere in the building—and we'll try to scrounge some Red Bull from the other pairs."

"'kay." Cassie unwrapped the chocolate and broke off two squares, putting them in her mouth.

Beep!

"Dammit." Alla tapped a few commands into her computer, then raised an eyebrow in vaguely disgusted interest. "Hobbit-Sue."

"Frodo, Sam, Merry, or Pippin?" Cassie got off the couch and padded over to check.

"Actually, it looks like both Frodo and Sam." Alla blinked at her partner's wide grin. "Why the Cheshire-cat look? I thought you _liked_ Sam."

"I do, but _this_—" Cassie gestured at the screen. "—means we can see Mordor." Her smirk was growing wider as she spoke. "It'll be _warm._"

"I think the sugar's acting too fast on you." Alla got up from her chair, collecting her weaponry quickly. "We'll wait outside Mount Doom, and we can make up the charge list while we're waiting."

"Let me get my camera first, then we'll go." With a lazy stretch, Cassie picked up a fresh camera battery, got her personal arsenal together, and set the portaller. "To business."

The two Protectors stepped through the portal onto the rocky slopes of Mount Doom. "Ooh, warm," was Cassie's only comment. With her catlike mannerisms came a truly feline tendency to be comfortably warm where others were threatening to die of heatstroke.

For her part, Alla let out a sharp gasp as the overpowering heat washed over her. "Oh, geez, it's hot…"

Cassie raised her camera, taking a few pictures of the barren land. "Pwetty scenery…"

"_What_ scenery?" Alla grabbed her partner's shirt, pulling Cassie down on the rock beside her. "Sit, and help me work this up."

"Fine." The Chinese Protector sat down obediently. "Let's begin."

Thirty minutes later, the duo was done. "Is that everything?"

Alla nodded. "Should be." Reaching into her bag, she pulled out her knitting and settled in, determinedly ignoring the heat.

Cassie chuckled at the look on her partner's face, then took out her panpipes—Alla frowned. "Are those _stone_?"

"Yep. Heated flint—smooth, nice and easy to work with. Sounds interesting, too." She blew softly into the pipes, producing an eerie, hollow-stone sound—grinning, she stretched out on the warm rocks. "I collect pipes, remember? This is just one of 'em. The sound ought to scare the Sue quite nicely."

Alla knitted and Cassie piped—the haunting sounds echoed through the rocks, closely followed by a yelp of "What was that?"

"Showtime." They traded glances, then keyed their image inducers. In a beat, two orcs stood there, essentially blending into the rocks.

Within seconds, three hobbits trudged into sight. Two were instantly recognizable, while the third…

Cassie pointed a Character Analysis Device at the third hobbit—a female with sleek black hair and smoldering red eyes—then had to mute it before the device blew its speakers out with manic beeping.

Alla hastily muted her own device, then pointed it at Frodo and Sam.

Frodo Baggins, male canon. Character rupture 68.52

Samwise Gamgee, male canon. Character rupture 53.27

"And her?"

Cassie banged her device's casing with a hand, then tilted it towards her partner.

Laurel Brandybuck. Female noncanon. Character rupture—errorerrorerror—cucumbermelonpillow—reinstalluniverseerror—

With a disgusted snarl, she turned it off and scooped up her pipes and satchel. "Come on, let's get this over with."

The two orcs followed the three hobbits up the slope—raising her stone panpipes, Cassie laid her fingers across a certain pattern of holes, then blew as hard as she could into the pipes. Much to Alla's surprise, the pipes emitted a quavering, hair-raising howl which went up and up the scale until it finally broke off.

"Okay, now I want to know exactly what the _hell_ that was."

"A technique I picked up form some satyrs when I worked in Mythology." Cassie explained. "Should make them hurry."

As predicted, the footsore little trio sped up, finally limping into the volcano, with the orcs following closely.

Frodo held up the Ring, staring at it. "The Ring is mi—"

"No!" Laurel yelled, snapping him out of his 'trace'. Walking over, she took the Ring from him gently. "No. My father created this evil and now I must destroy it."

"But Miss Laurel, you can't!" Sam 'potested'.

"I must. Do not weep for me, for not all tears are evil." Laurel leaned in and kissed Frodo soundly.

"Oh, the melodramatic sorrow." Cassie deadpanned. "Line thief."

"Hey, look over there." Alla gestured, and the Protectors saw a pale, spider-like form watching them. "I've got an idea. Gollum—Smeagol—c'mere."

Reluctantly, the ex-Stoor crawled up to them. "Yess, preciousss?"

"Listen up, Gollum." Alla crouched to look him in the eye. "You want the Precious, don't you?"

"Yesss. We wantsss it, we wantsss the Precioussss," he hissed.

"Good. If you follow us, I'm sure we can give you the Precious. All right?"

He nodded, eyes shining like lamps. "Yesss, previousss, yesss."

"Come on, but stay back until we call you." Alla glanced through into the heart of Mount Doom. "Let's hurry."

Laurel was just about to fling herself into the lava when a voice shouted, "Hold!"

Everyone froze.

Two orcs appeared—one gently pushed Frodo and Sam away from the edge, while the other calmly took the Ring from Laurel, tossing it up and down like a toy. The first orc cleared its throat and began speaking. "Laurel Brandybuck, you are hereby charged with causing character rupture, creating improbable and logistically impossible romantic liaisons, breaking up a canon romance, creating gratuitous offspring and relatives, stealing lines, screwing up the Fellowship, two charges of causing lovestruck-fool behavior, changing canon physiology, messing with Middle-Earth canon, using Sue powers, bad spelling, using modern names, employing melodramatic death speeches, contorting canon quotes, and being a Mary-Sue. Penaltyisdeathanyquestionsnogood."

"Gollum!" the second orc shouted. At once, he appeared, looking at the orc expectantly. The orc dropped the Ring into his hands. "Here ya go, little guy. Knock yourself out." Grabbing Laurel, it hauled the Sue through a hole in the air—the first orc stepped through behind them, and they vanished.

Gollum danced a few steps, gazing adoringly at the Ring… and then fell…

The Protectors appeared atop the Black Gate, glancing down at the battlefield beneath them. "Hold her for a sec, please?" Alla requested. When her partner gripped a struggling Laurel by the scruff of the neck, she delved into her bag and pulled out an oddly-colored hangman's noose.

Cassie arched an eyebrow. "Knitting yarn?"

"Yep." Alla knotted the noose to a projection, then looped the other end around Laurel's neck. "you want your trophy first?"

"Nah, later, or I'll get blood all over me." Cassie sketched a mocking half-bow. "In the very appropriate and immortal words of Jack Sparrow… carry on."

Alla did so, while somehow contriving to look both innocent and evil simultaneously. "Oops."

"Liar." Cassie retorted, looking out over the field. "Oh, there's Aragorn… he looks OK, thank Valar." The yarn noose had quiet jerking by now—hauling up the dead body, she removed the noose, tossed it to Alla, then cut away her trophy. "Shall we go now? It'll start falling apart any time soon."

As she finished her sentence, there was a series of earthshaking rumbles and a giant crack appeared in the Black Gate, followed by many others. "Okay, _definitely_ time to go." Opening a portal, Cassie quickly dragged her partner back to the safety of their office.

Back in the office, Cassie hung the black scalp on a drying rack as her partner stretched out on their couch. "Give me some time to nap, then we'll hit the café—"

BEEP!

Rolling over, Alla nailed the speaker with a murderous glare. "Listen up, you piece of scrap metal. Drop the volume. NOW."

Beep? The speaker actually sounded cowed.

Alla continued talking to the speaker. "Wake us in thirty minutes, _quietly_. We'll visit the café, then take the mission. Understood?"

Bip.

"Good." Alla closed her eyes—Cassie curled up on their beanbag and followed suit.

Half an hour later, the speaker let out a tiny Bip.

Yawning, Alla got to her feet and gently shook Cassie awake. "Come on, caffeine and sugar beckon."

With a grin, Cassie jumped up, practically bounding out the door.

In fifteen minutes, the Protectors returned, hauling a large quantity of food with them. Sitting down at her desk, Alla picked up the printout and scanned it. "Hey, a new pairing. It's a Haldir-luster."

"Ew… hey, can we be elves, then?" Cassie perked up at the thought.

"If you don't mind being blond, sure." Alla got her mission bag together, straightened her uniform, picked up some weaponry, and readied a portal. "Ready to go?"

"In a sec." Stuffing a handful of food into her bag, Cassie grabbed her Galadhrim weaponry, then joined her partner and stepped through the portal.

They appeared in a forest of mallorn trees—instantly, Cassie began taking pictures with a blissful expression. Sighing, Alla keyed their image-inducers—from a few feet away, Cassie yelped in surprise as her tanned skin lightened several shades and her normally black hair turned blond. In deference to her darker hair color, the blond shade was more golden, as opposed to Alla's newly platinum-blonde mane.

A beautiful voice floated through the air—the Protectors sighed, and followed it.

When they found the Sue, they also found a lovestruck Haldir regarding her as she stood with the rest of the Fellowship. Climbing into a nearby mallorn tree, the two settled in to compose their charge list.

Things were quiet for the pair—Alla checked the Words and occasionally swore, while Cassie enjoyed the remnants of her chocolate while writing up the charges—until Alla glanced up and nudged her partner.

"What?"

"Look at this." Alla held up a finger, pointing at a line of text. "She has a cute animal friend."

"A _snow leopard_?" Cassie shook her head. "They don't exist in Arda, even if they are cute. Do we _have_ to kill it?"

Alla nodded. "Yeah, I know, you can't bear to kill it, so I'll do it. And in consolation, we'll make the pelt into a rug."

"Fine. Quick and clean, and a whole pelt. You want me to coax it closer?"

"Nah, it's fine. It ought to be coming by—" Without finishing her sentence, Alla leaped from the tree. There was a surprised yowl, the sound of a scuffle, and then silence. Alla reappeared, holding a bloodied knife. "All done. Do you have a plastic bag?"

Cassie held out a bag silently, then shouldered both packs and leaped down. Alla had washed the skin side of the pelt and was now busy stuffing it into the bag. Stowing the pelt, Alla took her pack back and nodded thanks. "Let's go get rid of the Sue."

The Fellowship was ready to begin the journey down the Anduin, although with an additional pair—Haldir and the Sue, whose name turned out to be Katerina. Galadriel bid the Fellowship farewell, and gave Katerina a silver pendant. "I dont kno what it does, but u should have it because I sense a storm coming and you must use this pendant to defeat the Dark or the whole middle earth is doomed."

"Wom—no, _person_. People invented the period and the semicolon for a _reason._"

"It's a tawdry piece of junk, whatever _she _thinks it is." Alla noted, looking at Galadriel with sympathy. The Lady had glazed eyes and was forcing the horrible words out with great difficulty. "At least Galadriel's fighting it."

"That's the Lady we know and love." Cassie smiled proudly, then looked over at her partner. "Do you want to plothole ahead?"

"Sure, my canoeing's rusty, so no objections." Alla's eyes narrowed, and she seized one of the plotholes Katerina had left behind. "She's yours, how 're you going to off her?"

"Feed her to something. Probably the Watcher." The grin on Cassie's face was razor-edged, causing her partner to return the expression with a more serpentine smile. "Shall we go?"

With a playfully mocking half-bow, Alla stepped through the plothole with her partner close behind.

After a few minutes, the boats came into sight. Trading glances, the Protectors faded into the trees to watch.

Katerina sat down on 'arock', checking her pendant carefully.

Haldir walked over softly, kissing her where she sat. "Are you OK"

"_OK_?! I am _not _OK listening to this!!" Cassie was so annoyed with the language abuse that she managed to use three exclamation marks and a question mark in the space of eight words.

"I think we've got enough charges, let's go." Alla hastily cut in before her partner could tear Katerina's flawless face open.

The two elves dropped to the ground, before approaching Katerina and Haldir. One politely cleared her throat. "Er… Marchwarden?"

Haldir looked up, narrowing blue-gray eyes. "Whoest art thee?"

"Nevermind," the lighter blond elf quickly said, but the other elf stepped forward.

"Your worst nightmare," she replied with an unholy smile. "Or rather, hers. Alla?"

Clearing her throat, the lighter-haired elf began. "Katerina-we-don't-care-about-your-last-name, you are charged with having a cute animal friend, having magical Sue jewelry, causing character rupture and lovestruck-fool behavior, Tenth-Walker charges, screwing up the Fellowship, abusing grammar, abusing punctuation, misusing archaic speech, causing canons to use modern slang, and being a Mary-Sue. So, you must be terminated."

"Wheres my pet?!" Katerina yelped, looking around.

"You mean the snow leopard pelt in my bag?" the elf shot back. "Hate to break it to ya, but we _are_ assassins."

"You—_horrid_ people!!" she squeaked, grabbing at her silver pendant. "_Jier—_"

The elf with deep gold hair moved in a blur, slamming her left hand into Katerina's chest while seizing the pendant in the other and yanking as hard as possible. The chain snapped, and Katerina yelped in shock. "How—how did you—"

"Easily," the elf growled back. " '_Horrid'?_ That's a word for two-year-olds, and I think they're brighter than you. Alaegaesia magic doesn't work here, by the way."

Haldir appeared to be coming out of his trance, and stared at Katerina in confusion and dawning horror. Knowing the impending reaction, Alla put a hand on the elf's arm. "Easy, Marchwarden. It's all right, _their kind_—" here she directed a vicious glare at Katerina, helpless in Cassie's firm grip. "—can do that to males. It's not your fault."

"I will take your word for it, my lady," he replied, then gave Katerina a grim look. "I trust she will be dealt with?"

"Painfully." Alla's feral-chipmunk grin was disconcerting. "And quite promptly."

"You know, we ought to send the poor fellow home sometime soon." Cassie idly commented.

"The office?" Alla attempted to look innocent.

"_No_, Dagorlad. Of course I meant Lórien!" The Protector huffed, then dug in her pack and extracted a couple of small white pills. "Bleeprin. Brain bleach. Stole it from my friend in Potterverse—they use it a lot more than us, but with the way things are going, we'll probably need it soon. He looks like he could use some happy forgetfulness right now."

Haldir glanced from one elf to the other, clearly not understanding the conversation.

Alla took a pill from her partner, handed it to Haldir, then opened a portal to Lórien. "All right, Marchwarden. To get home, walk through that hole in the air, then swallow the thing I just gave you. If you do, this will all seem like a bad dream."

The blond nodded gravely. "Thank you, ladies, I appreciate your help."

"You're welcome. Now, get on home." Cassie replied.

He bowed, then turned and strode through the portal. As it slid shut, the Protectors saw Haldir swallow the pill. "Thank God, the poor guy needed it." Alla muttered, then glanced at her partner. "To Moria?"

"Aye." As the portal opened, Cassie hauled Katerina through roughly, Alla a beat behind. They appeared just outside the Watcher's pool.

"Why are you taking me here?" the Sue asked.

"To introduce you to a tentacled friend of ours." Alla's grin was huge. "Namely, the Watcher."

"Nooo… I hate tentacles…" Katerina whined.

"Shoulda thought of that earlier," Cassie shot back. "Alla, call the baby, will you?"

Alla whistled—the water roiled as the Watcher appeared, eyeing the Protectors with interest. Due to being fed regularly by Protectors, it was quite fond of PPC agents, but none so much as the legendary Agent Jay. "Hey, boy." Alla tickled a tentacle playfully. "You hungry? I'll bet you are…"

Keeping one hand firmly on Katerina's scruff in case she tried to make a break for it, Cassie patted the nearest tentacle. "Good boy, good lad. We got a treat for you, right here… you want it? 'Course you do…"

The Chinese Protector pushed Katerina forward—a tentacle wrapped around the Sue and dragged her into the Watcher's maw, still shrieking. Smiling in satisfaction, Cassie snapped photos.

When the Watcher finished, Alla patted an inquisitive tentacle. "Sorry, boy, no more… we gotta go."

The tentacle drooped, but jerked up and down in a semi-wave.

"Bye, boy, we'll see ya next time…" Alla tickled the tentacle, then walked through the portal leading to the office. With a goodbye pat, Cassie followed, whistling merrily.

"Damn, no scalp from this one." Cassie remarked.

"Well, you _could_ go get whatever the Watcher couldn't digest." Alla joked.

Cassie shuddered at the thought. "Ew. No. I'll just wait for the next time."

"And we _know _there will always be a next—"

BEEP!

"_DAMN IT!" _

Finis

**And as the credits roll… here's the conversation that followed. **

"Cass?"

"Yeah?"

"Did Haldir actually call us _ladies_?"

"'Fraid so."

**The conversation did not continue, as they were laughing too hard to talk. Again, thank you for reading—and all reviews are welcome!**


	5. 4: The Village

**Hello to all my readers, I didn't expect to have to give Cassie and Alla another outing any time soon, but when linked to THIS abomination of a fanfiction, I just had to do it before I killed someone or myself. Enjoy, review, the usual. Nothing Tolkien belongs to me, and neither does the PPC, though Cassie and Alla do. All quotes belong to their respective owners. **

**The original link is here: .net/s/5312017/1/Lord_of_the_Rings_The_Battle_for_the_Village#**

When Cassie returned from a chocolate run, it was to a very unexpected sight—her partner, staring at the monitor and knocking her head on it rhythmically. "New— " *bang* "—mission—" *bang*

"Um… okay… you should stop that before you break it." Putting down the assorted sugar, she carefully pulled Alla away from the screen and gently pushed her into a seat on their couch, before the words on the screen caught her eye, and she froze, scanning the screen.

After a few moments of ominous silence, Cassie pulled away, almost whimpering as she rubbed at her eyes. "Bad… badfic… make it go _away_…"

"I told you it was bad." Alla groused as she collected her things for the mission ahead of them. "But no, you just _had_ to look…"

"You didn't tell me anything!" Cassie protested as she turned off the screen hastily before any further trauma could occur, carefully settling a collection of fist-sized clay balls into their wrappings. "I walked in and you were just banging your head on the screen…Who reported this abomination, anyway?"

"Someone calling himself Leto… sounded half-drunk when he reported it, but had enough sense to know badfic when he saw it…" Cutting off further argument, Alla stood, green eyes narrowed, and tapped at the Disguise Generator. "Elves, I suppose, since the fool's written them… Come on, the quicker we do this the less we'll have to suffer."

With a murderous look in her eyes and a growing headache, Cassie slammed her fist on the Portal Generator, causing it to emit the electronic equivalent of a "meep" and then create a shimmering portal in mid-air. The two agents strode through, heavily armed, grumpy…

… and very pissed off. All in all, not a good combination.

~*~

"Where _are_ we?" Cassie wondered, turning in a circle, unable to see much beyond the gray fog around them. Looking down at her hand, she noticed something else odd. "… And why are we in black and white?"

"No idea to the first, the words only specified Middle Earth, and the second probably came about due to a severe lack of description." Alla put down her pack and grabbed a notebook. "Looks like there are two Originals… which one do you want?"

"Don't care. Let's just kill them all and go home." Cassie was _not_ happy with this mission.

Even worse, her partner concurred.

_Middle Earth was a nice place and pepole were happy but thern pepole heard thaat a dark and evil army lead by the evilist emperer were invading. The evil army had enslaved and killed a lot of pepole and where planning to take over world._

"Okay, first charge a complete and utter lack of proper spelling and grammar." Alla hissed to herself as she stabbed at the notepad viciously.

"I can't look away… it's so horrible that it's actually fascinating. It's like the fic has charisn'tma." Cassie was staring at the Words in disbelief. "Evil 'emperor'? Has someone been watching Star Wars too much?"

"Palpy would be insulted." Alla commented, looking over at her partner. "Oh, here we are, the thing we've all been waiting for—_a setting!_"

"Or the semblance of one." Cassie muttered as the outlines of a poorly-described village started to take form around them.

_Harry the elf, who was an elf, was living in his village housied with his best freind Andy. _

"Charge two. Redundancy." Alla muttered grumpily. "Someone didn't pay attention in kindergarten, honestly… 'I' before 'e'? Hello?"

"Charge three, retarded names." Cassie was sharpening a knife, clearly to help calm her nerves. "This is starting to sound like one hell of a bad crossover—evil emperors, 'Harry', and elves. Mother of fish."

"Anachronistic names, dear. Actually, that can be another charge…the more the merrier." Alla scribbled down something on her notepad.

_"We must fight ananst evil army" he said to andy, "but why?" annd asked. "Because they make pepole sad and kill evryone" saided barry. Harry realy wanted to stop the evil arm as they had killed his girlyfriend Mandy. _

"Who is this Barry and why have we not been introduced to him yet?" Cassie questioned acerbically, stabbing her knife into the shadowy ground.

"Dunno. Possibly because the presence of an 'evil arm', though I note a distinct absence of demonic body parts in the surrounding area—"Alla stared at the Words, then started sniggering. At her partner's questioning look, she pointed, snickering madly.

"… GIRLYFRIEND? AHAHAHAHA!!"

"Shhh, shh, keep it down, they'll hear you and then we'll have to kill them…" Alla considered this statement, then revised it. "Actually, never mind, laugh as much as you like. Maybe then we can go home quicker."

Cassie was still sniggering, though she had calmed down. " 'sokay, I'm good now."

"Damn."

_Harry and Andy got weepons and headed out to stop the evil army. Then they ran into an amy patroll "army leave the villaged this our village!111" shouted Harry_

"This not yours, it mine." Cassie punctuated each word with a stab of the knife. "And soon your lives will be too…"

"Do these people all have broken shift keys or something?" Alla wondered, sounding surprisingly mild despite the worryingly sadistic smile on her face as she looked through her poison collection.

_The evil genral saied "no we will killer you all" and harry and andy tarted attack evill army. Harry and andy where fireing at the orcs and goblanes solders and killing some of them. Then harry punced a orc in the face and it dyed. "I will defeat the enermy and bring honor to my village" Harry wissperd at the top of his voice._

"What's a punce?"

"A cross between a pun and a dunce?"

Cassie turned to give her partner an incredulous look, and Alla shrugged, stepping out of the way of a random hapless orc to lean against the nearest building, pulling Cassie with her. "No idea, honestly. But whatever it is, it apparently causes people to 'dye'. "

"Oooh! What color?" Cassie perked up a bit—Alla snorted, knowing her partner's penchant for colors all too well.

"Didn't say, I'm afraid. But you could ask that orc…"

"Nah, I'll pass." Cassie tilted her head, then stared at 'Harry'. "How do you whisper at the top of your voice?"

"Don't question the logic of this fic; there is _none_." Alla muttered in answer, then snorted as Cassie, apparently deciding to take Harry literally, sang a line which made the battle around them stop for a second.

"Please bring honor to us alllllllllllllll…"

"Have you been watching Mulan again?" By this point, the question was broken up by snickers and half-suppressed giggles.

"Yep." Cassie's grin was the essence of innocence ladled over devilry, which only brought her partner closer to the verge of hysterical laughter.

_Then mored pepole joined harry and Andy "wee wont let evil army kill us" saided the pepole and stated fighting the army as well. "Protect the villiged" shouted Harry and the pepole satated fireing arrows at teh evil army. Gomlens where fireing arrows and fire balls at pepole and killing some of them but the pepole cept on fighting_

"… What are 'gomlens'?"

Cassie and Alla shared perplexed looks, before turning to look at the battlefield, staring at the fog-like creatures the Author had defined as 'gomlens'. One produced a soccer ball out of nowhere, punting it at a Generic Villageperson, knocking him—or her, the Author had not been too specific regarding gender and other such pretty details—to the ground.

"Fire balls indeed…" Alla shook her head and ducked a flying basketball.

"Be glad they're not—" Cassie leaned back as a table-tennis ball shot past her nose. "—bowling balls."

"Ooh, yes. That could be painful." Alla thought, then shrugged. "Seeing the main character getting bashed over the head by one would be entertaining, though."

_Then a giant rock landed on a man and killered him insanely. Dearth and destraction went all around harry and andy but they dinnt care ever. Men and women were fighting agents the evil army and killing gonlems and ocs._

"Yes, dearth… the dearth of a remotely decent story." Cassie's eyes widened as she read the next Words, grabbing her partner and pushing her down. "Oh CRAP DUCK—"

A swarm of hornets the size of golden retrievers appeared out of nowhere, attacking the hapless villagers.

"HORNETS?! They eat fruit, you… you twat!" The yell of frustration from Alla was drowned by the sounds of screaming. Taking a deep breath, she muttered something unprintable about the fate she had in mind for people who wrote about "big giant" insects.

"When I say giant, I don't mean big, I mean flippin' enormous!" Cassie recited to herself, keeping her own irritation at bay by means of reciting Catherine Tate's lines, hefting a fist-sized clay sphere in one hand. "I don't want to do this, but I don't want those things too close, and we know arrows don't do anything to exoskeletons…" Both heads snapped around at a yell from the midst of the battlefield.

_"WATCH OUT" yelled Harry, But andy was all readyDEAD!!!111_

"Such tragedy." Alla deadpanned.

"Multiple exclamation marks are the sign of a diseased mind, thank you Terry Pratchett." Cassie noted as she applauded the insect responsible.

_The pepole were losing and Harry knew he had to do smothing fast. Then he had i idea "I know" said harry aand he used expolsive tiped arrows to blowup lots of evill army solders and kill some hornments to. Evil solders were shooting at pepole and pepole were shoting back. Then the evil amy stated bloownig up buildings and dust ands smoke whent evrywere._

"Explosive-tipped arrows and demolitions equipment—no no no, not now!" Alla grabbed Cassie and pushed the tip of the crossbow downwards, away from the main character. She glared at the Chinese agent as she recognized the piece of equipment. "Where did you get one of _those, _I thought they were illegal in headquarters!"

"Built it secretly." Cassie squirmed just enough for her partner to carefully release her. "They're remarkably useful… can launch these munitions far enough that we don't even have to be close."

"Save it. We have a ways to go, the balance hasn't tipped just quite yet." Alla finally let go, convinced her partner would not try to commit homicide yet.

_"FIGHT THEM" Warcried Harry. _

"Since when was warcry a verb?" Alla's patience was wearing thin as fast as her headache grew.

"Don't try to think about it." An aspirin was handed over, and gratefully ingested.

_Pepole stated fireind catopots at the army and blowing up orcs and godlems. But the evil army stated firing rooks tat blew up and sticks that staybed. The war was rageing and pepole were been blowing up and firing flaming fire arrows that set some of the evil army on fire._

Cassie watched a black bird fly through the air and explode on contact with the ground. "I was unaware rooks exploded."

"Same. I was _also _unaware that sticks had a need to sleep…" Alla pointed at some twigs, inexplicably tucked up in miniature beds, before growling again. "Flaming. Fire. Arrows. Honestly…"

"Can we light this one on fire?" Cassie wondered out loud, only to be surprised by the evil expression on her partner's face.

"I think we will."

_Then more evil army solders came Harry kew that they were out marched. _

"Out marched, due to being so retarded that you can't even walk straight."

_"You are lost surreender and will grant you a quick death" said the Evil woman. "We will keap fighting" saided Harry and ran hit the evil woman and the evil woman hit him back. _

The Agents stared as a woman—a remotely female-shaped pillar of black mist—suddenly appeared and spoke the horrible lines.

"She's a… genie of death or something?" Cassie finally hazarded a guess.

"Logic. None. Remember this."

"Ah, right…"

_Harry and evil woman were epic fighting to the deaf._

Both jaws dropped—then the snickering started. "To the deaf? I can help with that, Cass, you got an airhorn anywhere?"

Cassie made a theatrical show of patting her pockets. "Nope, left it in my other uniform."

"Shame."

_"I will kill you and anvange Mandy's death" Harry said loud like anger _

"Loud like anger?" Cassie rubbed the bridge of her nose, absently restraining Alla before the other woman banged her head on the nearest wall again. "Valar save us."

The two were interrupted by the loud declaration of "I AM MANDY!!111" from the "evil woman".

"Ooh, new charges. Failure to divide paragraphs properly, an ungodly long run-on, and a plot twist that was completely unexplained and entirely retarded."

"NOW can we kill them?"

_"No This can not be" sayed Harry, "It is" said Mandy. "But you were my girlfiend why would you fight for evil" harry said back._

"Girlfiend? So you knew she was a demon skank all the time and you still called her your 'girlyfriend'? WHERE IS THE POINT?"

"Here." Alla picked up a random arrow and waved it in Cassie's face—the woman stared at the weapon, then at her partner, and then went to bang her head on the wall.

_"The Evil Empire came and put spell on me and made me strong and powerfull" said mandy "I will put the same spell on you and together we will rule teh world", _

"I think somebody has been reading LOLcats too much. 'Teh' world?"

"Perhaps the spellcheck is broken?" Cassie offered.

Alla rolled her eyes, and wrote down another charge. "Non-canon and utterly stupid magic."

_"I will never join you" said harry. "Then you will dye" said mandy evily and her eyes glowed blood red._

"Dye? What color is she going to turn him?"

"Perhaps purple, for the color of the prose?"

"Ehhh…" This possibility was considered, then rejected. "More like urple, at this rate."

"True that."

_They pepered to do epic battle._

Before either of the Agents could make a crack about condiments, the scene froze as the chapter—mercifully—ended.

"Oh thank God for that." Cassie whispered fervently even as she cringed at the mangling of the word 'continued'. "Right…"

Grabbing her crossbow, she strode out from their hiding place and kicked both the Original Characters in the shins, dropping them to the ground, making it convenient for her to grab both by the necks. "Make it quick."

" 'Harry'—" Alla began to snicker at the name, and had to take a few minutes to compose herself. "You are charged with creating an Eldritch Abomination of Bad Spelling and Grammar, dropping redundancies like… droppable things. Bah. Anyway, having retarded and anachronistic names, bringing in technology that doesn't exist in this universe, bringing in CREATURES that don't exist in this universe, having no concept of a plot or ANYTHING remotely necessary to make a halfway decent story, and being a horribly written self-insert. And you are going to die, that's D-I-E, not D-Y-E, unless you mean the color red, which you will be with your own blood."

"And you, 'Mandy'—" Cassie gave the female's neck a firm squeeze. "You are charged with being a 'girlyfriend' or the 'girlfiend' of a retarded twat, being even less than a pathetic shadow of a MarySue deVille, and bringing in uncanon and retarded magic, and in general, _pissing us off_."

"You don't get last words. You'd just mangle them." Alla growled darkly, looking at her partner. "Fire?"

"Fire." Cassie dug in her pack and produced two fist-sized clay spheres, handing one to Alla, who dug around in her own pack till she found a length of rope, using it to secure the struggling pair to a spar of wood. "Now, let's get back a good distance…"

"How far's that?"

"As far as you can throw that. Do NOT drop it, that's the equivalent of an incendiary grenade."

The two Agents retreated to a safe distance, then traded glances, before drawing back and hurling the small clay spheres at the struggling duo.

There was a small noise of shattering clay, then a very satisfying WHUMP!, and a column of flames shooting up into the sky, incinerating everything within the blast radius.

Cassie tilted her head back, enjoying the warmth of the flames on her face. "Therapeutic, isn't it?"

Alla grinned at the bliss on her partner's face. "Oh yes. Home?"

"Yep. Bleeprin, chocolate, and a nap sound most tempting." Cassie raised the portal device and pressed a button, opening a path back to the response center.

A few seconds later, the fictional world with two burning corpses was lost to sight as the portal closed, and Alla curled up on the couch for a nap, while her partner opened up a bar of chocolate and took a bite, satisfied in another job well done.

**To be continued…**

**Well, that was a very long chapter… hope you all enjoyed it, thank you for reading, and please leave a review. Reviews make me happy. Thanks everyone! :) **


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